..Dan sebenarnya. Thou who made me wrote this.. Happy Valentines day to YOU

Bila sikurus tinggi dan si gemuk pendek bersatu tepat di angka 12 malam nanti, genaplah -_- bulan hari keramat buat sejarah diri aku.mungkin juga engkau. *theres no relevancy to disclose the duration i guess*

even tak lama mana, tapi tempoh masa itu sudah cukup untuk aku belajar banyak benda tentang kau, tentang perjuangan kau, pasang surut kau, tentang hidup kau, susah senang kau, sakit kau, sihat kau dan sejuta segala satu macam benda tentang kau. Kalau aku kumpulkan semua tu, dah cukup rasanya untuk aku buat hantaran meminang..accept its not in the form of origami by the shape of heart nor the yatch with a tilted sail nor swan or any other form that mak handam squidlike-softy-designer finger can afford to fold it into.

walau mungkin kau tak sedar atau mahu pun kau sedar yang pada awalnya aku pun juga seperti kau sekarang ni. aku juga manusia.  hebat cik karma bermain masa, 'memusingkan meja' tepat pada masa kau memutuskan untuk berhenti.stop dalam bahasa yahudi nya. tomemasu dalam bahasa kesukaan aku. mungkin juga salah aku, jual pada harga yang tak sepatutnya..aku terfikir adakah kau tak mampu mengupul kesabaran untuk membayar harganya.hmp.. mungkin juga salah kau sebab tak reti untuk berjimat cermat, sehinga terlalu boros berbelanja..buatkan kau tak mampu untuk membayar? hmp.yang ini aku tak rasa betul.sebab engkau memang seorang yang sangat pemurah dan penyayang yang betul2 membuatkan mata kail yang engkau cucuk kan umpan tercangkuk jauh ke dalam hati ikan kecil yang so called naive ini. dan tak perlu kau tanya sakitnya untuk mencungkil keluar mata kail yang kau dah tinggalkan itu.. DIA saja yang tahu.

SPECIAL. bagi aku perkataan yang sangat bermakna. mungkin tidak pada kau..'its just a word, just say it out for fcuk sake.. so will stop the tears'..fikir kau. terpulang. persepsi individu. mungkin juga kau benar2 maksudkan nya. Alangkah bagus kan kalau begitu?sigh.

DAN SEBENARNYA..oh, aku baru tersedar .. aku juga mempunyai satu punat HAZARD  yang jika di tekan, sengaja ditekan, 'eh, tak sengaja lah tekan..sorry sangat3!!', selalu sangat di tekan mahupun sejuta segala semua lagi cara menekan yang satu batch kemasukan dengannya.aku sangat berharap yang engkau tak bermaksud sebegitu.ala2 terlepas cakap.terlazer . kerana ia juga akan menimbulkan satu perasaan yang aku anggap "okey...... this is it..sorry" (baca dengan tone blurr)... sumpah aku harap itu perkara terakhir yang akan keluar diantara dua bibir monggel engkau. bagi aku, itu adalah BUKTI KUKUH yang aku memang sudah terpadam dari senarai teristimewa.sesuatu yang meletakkan aku di tempat yang lebih exklusif pada diri kau. tapi sekarang aku sudah tiada beza dengan mereka2 yang berada di  sekeliling kau. aku orang kebanyakan. shatered juga rasanya kan?shyite+sigh+sedih ~ Damage is done.NOKTAH

... exegerate.mungkin DOT&DOT&DOT.

Juga ketahuilah..mengenali kau adalah ibarat si budak getah menjumpai harta karun One Piece.believe it.its true. the best deymn thing ever happen to me. tapi betul, seperti kata kau, "What goes around comes Around.." maybe i am the one who have no courage to climb higher, or maybe you are just to scared of falling yourslef..again. i have no say to that.mungkin juga engkau tak faham apa maksud semua ini. maaflah, penulisan aku dalam bahasa jepun amat terhad buat sementara waktu..

jadi untuk kau, aku ucapkan TERIMA KASIH. Mungkin perjalanan kita akan merentassilang lagi di masa akan datang. mungkin juga tidak.tapi aku sangat berharap pada yang positive. Apa yang aku harap, hanyalah yang terbaik untuk kita di masa mendatang. I LOVED YOU. I WILL ALWAYS LIKE YOU. I HOPE TO FALL AGAIN ONE DAY THOUGH..

oh, JSUK.. ia jatuh adalah pada  HARI KEKASIH.   

Understanding ... MOIR

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Idealists at Work
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job.

Because you live in anticipation of an exciting future, in your ideal job you will be asked to stretch your imagination on a continual basis. Existing ideas, individuals and groups of people, products, services, and the relationships between these things can trigger flashes of insight about how "what is" might unfold into "what might be." You feel rewarded where you feel free to share your insights with people who encourage your creativity and who support the unpredictable process by which you narrow down the stream of ideas into innovations that are meaningful within the scheme of your personal values. You are likely to be comfortable taking on a leadership role, so long as it doesn’t place you in an arbitrary hierarchy.

SUDDENLY

Making a decision was never been easy for me. but that's life. the past few weeks I've been busy trying to grab everything and have everything all at the same time. 

but one thing i forgot, that He only provides me with two hands. SUDDENLY i realize something; chasing everything all at one time is all nothing but loosing everything equally all at the same time. 

SNAP.

Suddenly, i am not a kid anymore..

Suddenly, i am at a lost for sure..

Suddenly, i its all a blur..

And now...

Its time to GROW UP

  

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem Almost too much to handle, 
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough, 
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. 

A professor stood before his philosophy class 
And had some items in front of him. 
When the class began, wordlessly, 
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar 
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students, if the jar was full. 
They agreed that it was. 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured 
them into the jar.   He shook the jar lightly. 
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. 

He then asked the students again 
If the jar was full...   They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand 

And poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded 
With an unanimous 'yes.' 

The professor then produced  Two cups of coffee from under the table 
And poured the entire contents  Into the jar, effectively 
Filling the empty space between the sand. 
The students laughed. 

'Now,' said the professor,   As the laughter subsided, 
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life... 
The golf balls are the important things - God, family, 
children, health, friends, and favorite passions – 

Things that if everything else was lost 
And only they remained, your life would still be full. 
The pebbles are the other things that matter Like your job, house, and  car. 

The sand is everything else -- 
The small stuff. 

'If you put the sand into the jar first,’ He continued, 
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. 
The same goes for life.. 

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, 
You will never have room for the things that are 
Important to you. 

So... 

Pay attention to the things  That are critical to your happiness. 
Play with your children. 
Take time to get medical checkups. 
Take your partner out to dinner. 

There will always be time 
To clean the house and fix the disposal. 

'Take care of the golf balls first -- 
The things that really matter. 
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' 

One of the students raised her hand 
And inquired what the coffee represented. 

The professor smiled. 
'I'm glad you asked'.. 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life  may seem, 
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with  a friend..'

Another day passed by ...

ME ...

envy others, but are also confident about myself. But sometimes i wish i could be confident about myself without the masks. i clean before people come over, even though am typically a mess. i dress up or wear revealing clothes, show off my tan, tattoos, and body, because i feel like it will get attention and make me feel worth something.

Sexiness is something i value, but i really want to be admired for my heart. I want someone to see through the masks and love me for me, but i sometimes don't know who that person is and i fear opening up to someone because i don't want to be hurt.I wish you could be like someone else, trade places just for a day, to see what it's like to be perfect.

I like lists and getting things done, but I rarely finish them. I want to be loved, so badly, for who I am and i am just waiting for the right person to show me that it's okay to rest in who i was made to be, and not who i am always trying to be..

till the next writing ...

mata2 ne

missery - wretchedness of condition or circumstances

I'm growing tired of all this. left and right,these people are like the republicans and the democrats. trying to tell everyone that their ideology is the best for everything. i really wanted to listen to the ME inside, but never have the courage. But don't get me wrong, coz for all that it worth, all the support and thoughts are always welcome. Thanks people :)

Nonetheless, One good news came in yesterday tho. i was pitched to be a consultant with one of the big shot here in Malaysia..yeay, my dark cloud's silver lining..finally. Delloite .. like wise, me just go with the flow. Thanks to that special someone whose always been the best ear and my motivation while i'm going through this hell. Fear not, i'll brace up myself and step out of my comfort zone!

Alhamdulillah.

Till the next writing...

mata2 ne.

A looong awsome weekend *S.M.I.L.E.*

A lot had happened for the past few weeks. Celebrating Eid Fitr with my beloved family, and enjoying a four day escapee in JB was...somewhat fun. Selling Pisang Goreng (fried banana) at the most recognize banana stall in JB, Johor Fried Banana at Galeri Mawar.
* MIGHT not wanna continue tho..haha.* and since now its officially over, things are somewhat back to normal i guess. okay, think I'll spill it one by one..

for the 1st four days of hari raya, we didn't even get a chance to go anywhere since gazillion people came to our house from th break of dawn till late midnight. at some point, i even felt like my house had turned into some kind of funfare circus park! haha..but it was a great raya since i didn't have to provide angpow coz i fall in the category of the unlucky-miss fortune-just graduated- spoil brat in the famly. lol. heck, i didn't even feel like raya in the first place coz i'm too paranoid of not getting any serious job that i can consider to be my career since graduated..sigh --'.

Then, on the 4th of raya, mom decided to pack up and follow along to raya2 in JB pulak. so, as MOM had announced, its mandatory to everyone to follow. again, i have to kneel down before the queen's Vito power. Spending the night in Melaka at nek ngah's place was somewhat reminiscing. I used to sleep at the verandah of the old traditional Melaka house together with my cousin, playing hide and seek, accident riding maklang's bike due to my shortness factor at that time (kaki pendek! lol), plucking buah ciku depan rumah and on top of it all, playing fire crackers at the lawn at midnight followed by citer hantu session. But, now that anggut is no longger with us, spending hari raya feels a bit solemn and a little bit under the weather for some reason that i cant explain myself. Al-Fatihah tarwah anggut.

The very next day, we took off at about noon and went to our long lost neighbour who used to live just a couple of houses away from us. Mom says her Lempeyek is the best hence ordered an incredible amount of lempeyek stock for hari raya. i could say it can last until the next raya kot.that's just how my mom's way of expressing herself i guess. then, in the evening we continue on our journey to Maklong Rita's place, (she's accredited to be one of the most influential Interior Designer in the country) and then straight to JB. Along took us out for dinner at Snibong and he spent almost RM300 treating us for delicious sea creature cuisine.

On sunday, we went to my Maklang's place for raya.(she's the owner of JFB) my initial plan was just to stay there for a couple of days to get to know JB a little bit closer. however, mom got the wrong idea and she thinks that i wanted to help maklang at her stall just to get the experience on selling the famous fried bananas. Things got out of control, and everybody was soo excited thinking that i'll get my lesson as i HAVE to stay there and work. Truly, working at the stall was really an awsome experience. No doubt about it. i didn't even mind to go back there and giving my service to them. it just that, having to stay there and being treated like a total stranger really is a different story. nonetheless, being the understanding person i am, i just braced myself up and works my ass off for that 5 extremely challenging days. pretending that i'm fine, no heart feeling what so ever sheraps, only HE knows how i felt inside..or rather how i FEEL inside. Soo much to tell, but i'll just sweep it all under the rug. but that's beside the point. for what ever it was, Thanks for the opportunity *smile*


Now, ive recharge my energy after spending 2 days in Singapore. Laughing day and night, having to meet all my relatives really do the tricks. went to play snooker, sarapan at McD at 3am, pekena Susuk Babi by Faiz, i feel soo much better now despite haven't get a chance to beraya with the special one sampai merajuk tak meses beliau dari Singapore. Almaklum lah, i'll be charge one dollar per sms send to Malaysia. Rabak seh.. hehe..
here, i would like to thank especially to Along, for taking me there ( and for belanja bikin paspot.lol), Eda, Mafudz, Abdilla, Faiz, Aziz - for spending their precious time entertaining me, Abang Zul and Family, Nenek Sabi for having me there, Maklang's family in JB, those who gives me angpow in Singapore Dollar *grin* and to Allah for giving me the opportunity.. (macam award la plak! haha)

till the next writing.

Mata2 ne.